Before I start this post I should warn you that I'm going to spoil the show. Having said that, if you watch the show for realzies then we can't be friends anymore.
Okay, so for all you peasants that don't keep up with the new shows, Whodunnit? is basically a Clue reality show. I know what you're thinking, but Yani that can't possibly be a logical reality show! Trust me it's not. The premise of the show revolves around fake murders and relies heavily on the band of idiots that they picked to be on the show. Basically, the show starts off with 13 "contestants" but really it's 11 contestants, a killer and someone that gets killed 5 minutes in. The goal of these contestants is the stay alive and in order to do that they must solve the murder each week. At the end of each episode, the contestants get all dressed up and go into a room one by one where they tell themselves (the killer) how the murder occurred. If they get it somewhat right, they are "spared" but if they're way off, they get "scared." I don't think you tried at all, ABC.
Upon hearing the premise you might be asking yourself, well what if they catch the killer in the first episode? How can you solve a murder when the clues are so vague and their isn't a motive? If all the killer has to do is blend in with the crowd to win, how easy is this game for him/her? Are they seriously freaking out over a fake murder? Who green-lit this? I asked myself all of these questions. At the end of this review you might not have the answers.
What makes this show extra special is the cast of dumb dumbs that they put together. Out of all the women, only two have a legit professions and one of them is a huge asshole, freakin' Sasha. Sasha also wears braces, never trust an adult with braces. Then there's the Southern stay at home mom/Cardiac Nurse (?) Dana, who is a terrible as you would imagine. There's peppy and dramatic curly haired chick whose name I can't remember (but I hope she's the killer cus she's so emotional) and some other chicks who's only distinguishable personality trait is their lack of intellect, Adriana, Chris and Lindsey. The crime scene reporter, the ex beauty queen and the engineer.
The men are equally as idiotic but adding to that, they're also sketchy as hell. The ex cop, Old White Man, tries to hide his profession though we're not sure why because he is the worst cop in the history of the world. The Bounty Hunter, is so over dramatic and pathetic that we feel bad for him but also hate him for trying so hard. There are some other dudes who are forgettable and then Dante, literally the stupidest person ever, and Aquiles, the hot one. Oh I forgot about Baldy, I'm pretty sure he's the killer but I'm hoping it's Curly because she cries so much.
Now that you've met all the contestants you can see that pitting a beauty queen against an ex-cop is certainly a fair game and all the contestants have the necessary skills to solve fake murders that are being executed with no motive whatsoever. This'll be fun.
All the contestants arrive at the house with no clue (get it?) what they're in for, all they know is that if they win the mystery game, they get 250G's. After the cocktail party, they all go to their rooms and are startled by a loud crash. They run downstairs to see the ex-NFL cheerleader dead and surrounded by a broken fish tank and two wires. They all scream and make a huge deal about it even though it's OBVIOUSLY FAKE. Then the highlight of this episode is when Giles delivers this line exactly how you think he would, "it has begun." -Cue audience laughter-
Giles explains the game and everyone gets all dramatic and worked up. The line, "I'm not here to make friends" is uttered a couple hundred times and Baldy, hottie and another dude form the first alliance and each decide to go to a separate location, one goes to the bedroom (last known whereabouts), one stays with the fish tank, and one goes to the morgue. The clues at the morgue are pretty self explanatory, they find a small bullet in the back of her spine. It's awkward because they do a pretty good job of making the woman look dead so I imagine her giggling on the table while they shot this scene. We'll see those bloopers on the dvd.
This is taking forever. Basically, back at the room, Adriana, the smart cookie that she is, decides that the murder weapon was a piece of a trunk even though it has no traces of blood and the victim was killed downstairs. Solid crime reporter insight. After that, no one trusts her because they think she must be the killer because no one can be that idiotic. But perhaps the dumbest contestant is Dante. After SEEING THE BULLET he concocts a theory that she drowned in the fish tank after being paralyzed by the bullet. Never mind that she broke the fish tank with her head and the water was draining out of it...SMH DANTE GET IT TOGETHER.
After it's pretty obvious what happened, everyone gets together to have finger sandwiches and lounge by the pool. Alliances are forged, bromances born. Giles comes out with a clue and everyone runs. Bounty hunter solves it and instead of destroying the answer LIKE ANY SMART PERSON WOULD, he shares his information with everyone and they all discover the sling shot and crossbar together...You have no idea how much this pissed me off. The clue was a passage from the Bible that took him to a window sill and on that, there was a combination. If that were me, I'd rip that damn page out of the Bible, eat that shit, run to the window, scratch that number up and make it illegible and then open the trunk and throw the weapons into a nearby bush. But not this guy. He tells basically everyone and the two people left out are Adriana and Dante but somehow, our beloved Old White Man was way off and he and Dante got the "scared" cards.
There were tears and drama at the dinner table when Dana got pissed at Bounty for not sharing all the info he got. Seriously? This is a competition! YOU'RE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
So Don and Dante go to bed super scared because one of them is going to get murdered. They act like they're actually going to die and it won't be a producer waking them up and telling them to pack their shit. The episode ends with a fire alarm going off at 5am and Dante's stunt double running out, covered in flames and jumping into the pool. Cue audience laugh track and contestant tears and screams.
So many things are wrong with this show but the worst is definitely the attitude of the contestants. I get that they want to win, but being afraid that they're going to get "fake murdered" or saying that seeing the fake dead body is traumatizing is where I have to draw the line. Who here wouldn't be laughing their ass off if a British butler announced a new murder everyday? And moreover, how stupid do you have to be to not solve these murders immediately? I was worried about motive before but the murder scene was so clear as to what happened that I wanted to scream. We've all watched procedurals, make the crimes harder for these fools because watching them struggle with what happened after they are spoon-fed the information is just sad. The producers really missed the mark with this show. The format is terrible and yet the contestants are what piss me off the most.
If you know me you know I hate reality television, so you know how hard it was for me to get through this. I'm not gonna preach to you about why reality tv is a mind numbing experience because I'm sure you already know that. What I will say is that this show takes a perfectly great movie (Clue) and it makes it into something so foul that I have no choice but the write this review. Complete with a format that makes no sense and contestants that would give The Real World casts a run for their money, ABC has earned a spot on my shit list. Enjoy this fuckery now because once I take over television with my peeps, there will be no time or money for stupid crap like this.
All in all I give it a 2.5/10 because it made me laugh.
I'll probably keep watching this show, tbh I've seen up until episode 3 but it was too much for one review so I'll keep writing these until I get so pissed off that I slam my computer into a wall. I invited you all to hate-watch this series with me.
Until next time,
-Yanz
SIDE NOTE: some viewers, probably from the middle states (sorry) thought that the murders were real and ABC had to clear up that they're not...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Those viewers obviously belong to CBS.
