World Cup 2014: How to Not Be a Jerk

As you all know, the 2014 World Cup kicks off today with the opening ceremony and the host country, Brasil, playing against Croatia. I, for one, couldn't be more thrilled because my whole family and I have always had a blast watching the WC.

The only down side was that last time, I lost handfuls of friends over stupid arguments. In my defense, 90% it was douches that fought with me and I fought back until I eventually blocked them. This year I'm extending an olive branch and I made a list of 5 ways we can all BE COOL and enjoy the World Cup.

1. Don't Complain About the Amount of Statuses/Tweets
This happens once every four years. Suck it up. You hate soccer? Sucks, brah. No one likes a party pooper. Try actually watching a game and if the hot players and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL celebrations don't sway you, it's best you don't interact with other humans this month. 

2. Don't call people "bandwagoners"

Not everyone grew up watching soccer. Frankly, not everyone cares as much as you do and that's okay. New fans root for the best teams because not doing so would be idiotic, so get off your high horse. Your home country has a great team? Congratulations. That's not the case for everyone, so relax. Your level of investment doesn't give your team extra bonus points. So if you're team lost and you see "bandwagoners" celebrating for the opposing team, let them be. Nothing you say can take away from the fact that the team they rooted for, won. Personally, I try to get everyone excited about rooting for my team because then I can celebrate/or be pissed off with more people.

                                                                                                       

3. Let People Root for Who They Want

No one owes you an explanation for who they're rooting for. The next person that calls me "unpatriotic" for not rooting for the US soccer team is gonna get slapped. The US soccer team is garbage (sorry 'bout it). I root for Brasil because I've been rooting for them since I was (almost) 2 years old. Not because I hate America. Root for your home team, root for the team with the hottest players, root for the team with the coolest jerseys... Just get into it and root for someone.

4. Trash Talk: Keep it PG-13
Trash talk comes with any sport. I love a good trash tweet. Just don't be such a huge dick that you lose friends over it. It's one thing to be like "HAHAHA SUCK IT, (INSERT TEAM NAME)" and another to personally attack people on their own profiles and making them feel bad. On the flip side, don't take insults to your team as an invitation to start shit. It's usually not personal. Unless that person is a twat. Then all bets are off and you do what you gotta do, gurl.

 5. Be Respectful
Self explanatory. The World Cup is about countries around the globe coming together to celebrate a sport they all love. This tournament  happens ever 4 years and lasts a month, let's not spend it fighting with each other.

Happy World Cup!!!!!!

xoxo
Yanz

Thoughts on the HIMYM Finale

Before I begin, you clicked on a blog post called "HIMYM Finale" I'm gonna spoil everything. I AM GOING TO SPOIL EVERYTHING, GO AWAY IF YOU'RE NOT READY/HAVEN'T SEEN THE FINALE.

Let's get right down to it, if you follow me on twitter you know how much I hated the finale. And I'm not a HIMYM hater guys, I really wanted to love it. I REALLY DID. I cried my eyes out during that "Mom-centric" episode and though I was certain she was gonna die, I sped all the way home and eagerly awaited what was sure to be a legendary finale. But it wasn't. I knew it wouldn't be after Robin and Barney announced their divorce.

Any writers that hype up a wedding over the course of an entire season only to dissolve that marriage 18 minutes into the final episode are just plain rude. Why would you spend your final season focused solely on a wedding between 2 people who you're gonna break up not even halfway through the finale? Not only that but after it took 9 years for Barney to grow up, how dare you let him revert back to his old self? Barney was a disgusting character for pretty much the entire show but his saving grace was his love for Robin. So it makes perfect sense to let him go back to the creepy womanizing freak he was in season one destroy all his emotional growth. I imagine the writer's room sounded a little like this: "Let's make him knock up a bitch while he's at it! Yeah, great idea! High five, bro! You know what'll be really funny? If he calls the chick 31 cus she was the 31st chick he banged that month. Oh and let's give him a baby girl to make it ironic and shit. Totally brah."

I admit his moment in the nursery with his baby was cute but like c'mon, who doesn't cry meeting their baby for the first time?  Do any of us believe that he actually made a good father? A man who can't be bothered to learn his baby mama's name and still has a playbook at age 40? Yeah, didn't think so. Oh but wait, he loves her! Loving your daughter IS the same thing as being a good dad. I forgot!

But forget Barney's character for a second, the Barney-Robin break up totally ruined the whole group's dynamic. It wasn't two weeks ago when they told us that if you wanted to keep people in your life you had to put forth effort, cut to some random year there, and these motherfuckers haven't seen each other in like 6 months. They all keep getting pregnant and it's like, stop trying to meet at a bar when you all have like 65 children. Have a play date, you stupid idiots. Christ almighty.

So cool, Barney is ruined, the "gang" is broken up, Robin is off doing God knows what with World Wide News and Lily is...a famous artist? Nah dude chill, she got her year long "distraction" in Rome out of the way and now she spends her days changing diapers and feeling guilty for robbing Marshall of his judgeship. I'm glad I sat through all those fights about her living out her dream as an artist. Those were super interesting to watch. On the bright side, Marshall has a good career, right? Who needs a job when you have a big strong man in your life and a healthy reproductive system? Wouldn't wanna end up like Robin anyway, a dried up independent professional...aimrite?

Finally, I will address the ducky tie in the room, the mom. It was pretty clear from the start of this season that she would either be dead or gone. What was a little more unclear was why Ted would be telling his kids a story about their dead mother and include every single person in NYC but leave the mother 'till the very end. But ya know, if they would have done a good job with killing her off I would've been okay with this, however, when you make 22 episodes span 48 hours and then try to fill 16 years into one, things can only end badly. Tell my why Tracy (the mom) was still alive at 8:55 and at 8:59 Ted was standing outside Robin's apt with that damn horn. #TACTLESS. After making me fall in love with the mom, how could you kill her off without so much as a good bye? Not cool.

Also, super not cool to have that old ass SD footage of the kids telling Ted to go after Robin. Like listen, Craig and Carter, you knew the ending for like 8 years and you couldn't write a decent finale for your show? Damn, you had one job. You knew Ted and Robin were endgame since the beginning so was the mother just a plot device to give Ted children like he always wanted? Poor Robin made it clear that she didn't want kids so clearly they needed Ted to get married and have 2 of his own so he wouldn't resent Robin for being sterile/ not wanting to bear his children. Which brings me to my final point:

TED AND ROBIN MADE/MAKE A HORRIBLE COUPLE. We saw it time and time again, they want different things, they're very different people they ALWAYS break up and then convince themselves they are meant to be only to do the whole awkward dance again. And riddle me this: if Barney, unemployed and with no ties, couldn't handle Robin's crazy hours and schedule, how is a single dad of 2 supposed to deal with it? Is Robing gonna move to the suburbs and become a housewife like Lily, is that it? Robin could give a fuck about children and she does what she wants. (Also she has like 43 dogs) Every time she thought she wanted him she was proved wrong and I've been 100000% over them since about season 4. Disclaimer: I always root for the couples that get together at the beginning of shows. I ship them hardcore. Fitz (Obligatory Scandal reference) would literally have to strangle Olivia Pope with his own two hands for me to hop off that ship. So me hating Robin and Ted is a testament to shitty writing. There was a time when I shipped them but I got over it when I realized that they just didn't belong together. Most of us moved on, the writers should have too.

Overall, it was actually kind of impressive how bad this episode was. I didn't think it was possible to fuck this up. When it doubt just go for a happy ending, ya know? Predictable as it might have been if Barney and Robin stayed together, Lily was some kind of an artist and Ted and Tracy lived happily ever after I think it was cheesy but I wouldn't be angrily blogging about it in the middle of the night.

How I Met Your Mother? More like How Your Dead Mother Was Cool and All But I've Always Been in Love With Your Uncle's Ex-Wife

XOXO
-YANZ 'Gossip Girl had a better series finale' LOPEZ

Your Guide to 2013's Network Sitcoms

I gave myself the terrible task of watching all the new pilots this season and I started with the sitcoms. Below are short reviews of each. There might be some spoilers, but like, if I spoiled it, it's probably because it sucks and you shouldn't watch anyway. You're welcome. If I missed one, let me know...everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days.

Back in the Game (ABC)

Terrible single father raised a daughter who is trying not to be a terrible single mother to her kid. And after he doesn't make the cut for the baseball teams, she starts her own team of rejects, the Angles. I didn't misspell it, they're actually the Angles. I thought this pilot had a lot of heart and was cute and funny enough to make me want to keep watching. As any good Psych-O, I love love love Maggie Lawson and I totally buy that she's a bad ass softball player. James Caan played the tough alcoholic with a heart of gold perfectly but my favorite part about this pilot was the little boy, Danny. He was the perfect mix of cute, clever, and nerdy. The script wasn't perfect and not all the jokes were funny but it was good enough to make me smile.

Other thoughts: I have a soft spot for reject kids playing sports and baseball stories. Did I mention I love Maggie Lawson?

The Goldbergs (ABC)

The show is reminiscent of the Wonder Years but not in a good way because I didn't really like the Wonder Years then (reruns of course) and I certainly don't want a bootleg repeat. The characters are all super annoying and over the top. The women on this show are either super nagging and irritating, the mom, or passive and kind of slutty, the daughter. The reason I don't have any more bad things to say about this pilot is  because it ended with "Can't Fight This Feeling" which reminded me of Cory Monteith and just made me sad.

Other thoughts: The little boy looks like a cartoon character. I laughed every time Wendi McLendon-Covey was on screen because I imagined her two boys being the ones from Bridesmaids. "I cracked a blanket in HALF."

Super Fun Night (ABC) 

This was such a let down. I didn't care for any of the characters. There's a cute British guy and their relationship is sweet but like this isn't enough for me to like it. The characters are over the top and silly.

Other thoughts: Why do they force Rebel Wilson to do an American accent when she clearly cannot and her Australian accent is so delightful?






Trophy Wife (ABC)
This one is about a "reformed party girl" (as IMDB puts it) who marries into a middle aged man's (maybe a little older) shit show of a family. Complete with 3 kids and 2 ex-wives. Against all odds, this show wasn't bad! Malin Akerman, the "trophy wife" is incredibly charming and fun and she has a good dynamic with the kids and the other wives. The youngest boy, however, is hands down the best part of the show. He's the most adorable child and he's super funny. The only part of this show that I'm not sold on is Bradley Whitford. He's certainly not attractive and his character isn't super charming or funny. It begs the questions, why did she marry him? Why did she even go out with him in the first place? I love Bradley from The West Wing and still I'm not sold on this so they're gonna have to do some serious character changes to make me fall in love with him.

Other thoughts: no spoilers but I was DYING at the end (ish) of the show. If you know me, you know what part I'm talking about.

Brooklyn 99 (FOX)

There was nothing really special about this show but it isn't terrible so I'll keep watching I guess. The only surprising thing about it is how incredibly average it is. Andy Samberg plays the childish but awesome detective. It's all smooth sailing for Andy until the Allstate guy takes over his precinct and vows to make it the best one in NYC. The two butt heads and it's kind of funny? There was only one joke that made me laugh out loud but I'll stick with this one because Park and Rec didn't get good until the end of season 2 and the same people did this show.

Other thoughts: the receptionist reminds me of a drunk Katrina (one of my friends).



Dads (FOX)

It's hard to make various scenes with two stoned old men not funny, somehow Dads managed. I'm not really a fan of Seth McFarlane to begin with but after all the negative buzz this got about being super racist and stupid, I knew I had to see for myself. The first episode? Not super racist, although Seth Green has a Hispanic housekeeper in his tiny apartment for some fucking reason. So I can see her being used for jokes in future episodes. I love Brenda Song and Seth Green but this show is just kind of horrible.

Other thoughts: Can Brenda go back to New Girl now?

Mom (CBS)

It seems like terrible parents who have kids that are terrible parents is a theme this pilot season. Mom's humor is a little better than Big Bang's but it's still falls into the same category of LCD* humor that CBS so proudly keeps making. There was probably one solid joke but overall the humor was kind of lame. I'm biased because I hate CBS but I think Allison Janney deserves so much better than this average show.

Other thoughts: Allison Janney is perfect. In a show with 2 generations of terrible parents, I need one of the kids to be smart or I have no one to root for or care about. Back in the Game did it right with Maggie Lawson's kid but both of Anna Faris's kids here are dumb dumbs. Also, Anna Faris might be old enough to have a 16 daughter but I still don't buy it. *Lowest Common Denominator

The Crazy Ones (CBS)

Despite it being a CBS show, I loved this pilot. Not sure how they got Robin Williams back on TV but bravo. He is delightful and perfect and so is Sarah Michelle Gellar. They have great father/daughter chemistry and I can't wait to see where this show goes. For those who don't know this show is about Simon (Robin Williams) working alongside his daughter (Buffy) at his ad agency. The first episode features -spoiler alert- Kelly Clarkson, being awesome and singing alongside series regular, James Wolk, whose eyes literally twinkle.

Other thoughts: My favorite sitcom from this batch of pilots.

The Millers (CBS)

Just what the world needs, another show about an irresponsible dude who just got a divorce and acts like a child. This show looks terrible. It hasn't aired yet but from what I gather, he moves back in with his parents and we get "Failure To Launch" the TV show. I'll post a real review once it airs. No I won't.

Other thoughts: The recycled the set from Reba. C'mon son.





We Are Men (CBS)

Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible. Four sad bachelors ranging from ages young-ish to Tony Shaloub, wingman each other and it's pathetic and boring.  In what universe is Tony Shaloub a ladies man? I think I need professional help from the emotional damage this show did to me. This one gets no stars. You did it again, CBS.

Other thoughts: ew.

Micheal J Fox Show (NBC)

This show is about MJF struggling with the idea of going back to work because of his parkinsons and interacting with his family. The show was cute because who doesn't love MJF? He's so damn lovable. I liked how they handled his Parkinsons too, it's not a pity party, he just has it and they deal with it. His eldest son sucks, his daughter is pretty cool and Marie from Breaking Bad is his wife so obviously I love her. The show isn't amazing but it's something to watch with the family and it's heartwarming. I may or may not have cried at the end of the first episode (pilot is 2 episodes).

Other thoughts: They shoot in NYC and it gives it an authenticity that sitcoms don't usually have. It's pretty. Oh yeah, there's a third kid, he's cute.

Sean Saves the World (NBC)

Terrible. TERRIBLE. Not funny at all. Sean Hayes is adorable but this is soooooo lame. My friend, Rob Rosenberg (hi!), said that the only way to save this is to "Will and Grace"-it. Have Meghan Hilty move in with him and be the Grace to his Will. The characters are dumb, the boss's mustache is infuriating and it was so boring that I fell asleep before it was over. Trust me, it's had to fall asleep during a 20 minute episode.

Other thoughts: WHY THE STUPID ASS MUSTACHE!?

Welcome to the Family (NBC)

Adorable over achieving Stanford bound boy knocks up his barely graduating high school girlfriend and their two famileis are forced to unite. If you can believe it, the execution is actually worse than the premise. The boy is really adorable but the girl is so dumb that it's infuriating. We're not exactly sure why they're dating or how they even met. The girl is a "feminist" but she's so dumb that it comes across as making fun of feminists because she doesn't even know what the hell she's talking about half the time. The families are meh and the Dad's feud gets old in the first episode.

Other thoughts: the tagline should be "He's precious. She's an idiot."

Walter White is a Piece of Shit

BEWARE: MAJOR SPOILER BELOW. DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T CAUGHT UP ON BREAKING BAD. I MEAN IT. DON’T.

This is a response to: “Walt is still a good guy at heart.”

I don’t believe for a second that he’s still a good guy at heart but even if I did, being a good guy “deep down” means absolutely nothing to me or to anyone else. What matter are our actions. What has he done lately to show us that he deserves the benefit of the doubt? Cry a little bit? Plead for Hank’s life (even though, there’s no way in hell he thought they wouldn’t have killed him so he probably just did it so Hank died thinking he wasn’t such a flaming sack of shit)? Order Jesse’s death to be painless? Poison a little boy a little bit? Steal but not kill his daughter?

Sure, this started as him trying to help his family, but once he threatened his own wife and gave up his daughter, that kind of went out the window. This is about him. He said it before when he told us that money is the only thing that drives him. He sold his stock in that company and felt guilty. Yeah, the cooking was for his family at first but then he realized the money and power that came with it and suddenly that potential for power, that he thought he had lost, was within his reach and this time, no one could take it away from him.

I think that part of the reason people still defend him is because he’s good at acting like he feels bad about all the stuff he’s done, but he doesn’t give a shit. A good person doesn’t do terrible things, feel “bad” about them, and then brag about for “street cred” or use them to intimidate or threaten someone; like he did by telling Skyler, she’d end up like Hank. I can’t feel bad for a person who doesn’t feel bad about all the terrible shit they do. Or about someone who does all this in the first place. So while some people feel bad for him, I feel bad for everyone who’s ever come in contact with him. He’s a cancer to everyone around him (pun not intended but it works) and anyone will be lucky to make it out of this show alive.  The only time we see him showing any kind of remorse is when he’s trying to manipulate Jesse, so it’s obviously an act. Walter is a sociopath that deserves zero sympathy.

Some people can say that giving up his daughter is probably the best thing for her so she won’t grow up in such a fucked up environment but 1. He doesn’t get to make that decision after being the world’s worst parent. 2. He didn’t do it to protect her; he did it to punish Skyler for defying him. *Correction: I didn't know he left a note with the baby beacause I was too busy screaming. Still, Walt's a POS*

Just because we’ve seen him around people who are arguably worse than he is (Gus Fring, Mike, that old guy with the bell) doesn’t mean that he isn’t a piece of shit. None of these guys would use their families as bargaining chips and they all abided by some kind of code. I wouldn’t argue that Walt is any better or worse than them but at this point in the game he is one of them. And he killed literally all of them so, you know, that counts for something too.

Overall, I think the argument that he’s doing this for his family is probably the stupidest thing anyone could say to me. The best thing for his family would have been to I don’t know, take his friends money at the beginning of the show and not start cooking meth. Or he could have just hid some of the money for his family turned himself in. He’s terminally ill anyway! What would he lose by getting caught? His reputation which means more to him than any family can. He made that clear when he ditched them, stole and abandoned his daughter and went with Saul’s “guy,” leaving his family to pick up the pieces of the home he broke.

Those are my thoughts but I wanna hear what you guys think, so comment below. Don’t be assholes to each other or to me please. Be cool. Sorry for the grammar errors.

Stay calm,

Yani

Whodunnit? Pilot Recap/Review

Before I start this post I should warn you that I'm going to spoil the show. Having said that, if you watch the show for realzies then we can't be friends anymore.

Okay, so for all you peasants that don't keep up with the new shows, Whodunnit? is basically a Clue reality show. I know what you're thinking, but Yani that can't possibly be a logical reality show! Trust me it's not. The premise of the show revolves around fake murders and relies heavily on the band of idiots that they picked to be on the show. Basically, the show starts off with 13 "contestants" but really it's 11 contestants, a killer and someone that gets killed 5 minutes in. The goal of these contestants is the stay alive and in order to do that they must solve the murder each week. At the end of each episode, the contestants get all dressed up and go into a room one by one where they tell themselves (the killer) how the murder occurred. If they get it somewhat right, they are "spared" but if they're way off, they get "scared." I don't think you tried at all, ABC.

Upon hearing the premise you might be asking yourself, well what if they catch the killer in the first episode? How can you solve a murder when the clues are so vague and their isn't a motive? If all the killer has to do is blend in with the crowd to win, how easy is this game for him/her? Are they seriously freaking out over a fake murder? Who green-lit this? I asked myself all of these questions. At the end of this review you might not have the answers.

What makes this show extra special is the cast of dumb dumbs that they put together. Out of all the women, only two have a legit professions and one of them is a huge asshole, freakin' Sasha. Sasha also wears braces, never trust an adult with braces. Then there's the Southern stay at home mom/Cardiac Nurse (?) Dana, who is a terrible as you would imagine. There's peppy and dramatic curly haired chick whose name I can't remember (but I hope she's the killer cus she's so emotional) and some other chicks who's only distinguishable personality trait is their lack of intellect, Adriana, Chris and Lindsey. The crime scene reporter, the ex beauty queen and the engineer.

The men are equally as idiotic but adding to that, they're also sketchy as hell. The ex cop, Old White Man, tries to hide his profession though we're not sure why because he is the worst cop in the history of the world. The Bounty Hunter, is so over dramatic and pathetic that we feel bad for him but also hate him for trying so hard. There are some other dudes who are forgettable and then Dante, literally the stupidest person ever, and Aquiles, the hot one. Oh I forgot about Baldy, I'm pretty sure he's the killer but I'm hoping it's Curly because she cries so much.

Now that you've met all the contestants you can see that pitting a beauty queen against an ex-cop is certainly a fair game and all the contestants have the necessary skills to solve fake murders that are being executed with no motive whatsoever. This'll be fun.

All the contestants arrive at the house with no clue (get it?) what they're in for, all they know is that if they win the mystery game, they get 250G's. After the cocktail party, they all go to their rooms and are startled by a loud crash. They run downstairs to see the ex-NFL cheerleader dead and surrounded by a broken fish tank and two wires. They all scream and make a huge deal about it even though it's OBVIOUSLY FAKE. Then the highlight of this episode is when Giles delivers this line exactly how you think he would, "it has begun." -Cue audience laughter-

Giles explains the game and everyone gets all dramatic and worked up. The line, "I'm not here to make friends" is uttered a couple hundred times and Baldy, hottie and another dude form the first alliance and each decide to go to a separate location, one goes to the bedroom (last known whereabouts), one stays with the fish tank, and one goes to the morgue. The clues at the morgue are pretty self explanatory, they find a small bullet in the back of her spine. It's awkward because they do a pretty good job of making the woman look dead so I imagine her giggling on the table while they shot this scene. We'll see those bloopers on the dvd.

This is taking forever. Basically, back at the room, Adriana, the smart cookie that she is, decides that the murder weapon was a piece of a trunk even though it has no traces of blood and the victim was killed downstairs. Solid crime reporter insight. After that, no one trusts her because they think she must be the killer because no one can be that idiotic. But perhaps the dumbest contestant is Dante. After SEEING THE BULLET he concocts a theory that she drowned in the fish tank after being paralyzed by the bullet. Never mind that she broke the fish tank with her head and the water was draining out of it...SMH DANTE GET IT TOGETHER.

After it's pretty obvious what happened, everyone gets together to have finger sandwiches and lounge by the pool. Alliances are forged, bromances born. Giles comes out with a clue and everyone runs. Bounty hunter solves it and instead of destroying the answer LIKE ANY SMART PERSON WOULD, he shares his information with everyone and they all discover the sling shot and crossbar together...You have no idea how much this pissed me off. The clue was a passage from the Bible that took him to a window sill and on that, there was a combination. If that were me, I'd rip that damn page out of the Bible, eat that shit, run to the window, scratch that number up and make it illegible and then open the trunk and throw the weapons into a nearby bush. But not this guy. He tells basically everyone and the two people left out are Adriana and Dante but somehow, our beloved Old White Man was way off and he and Dante got the "scared" cards.

There were tears and drama at the dinner table when Dana got pissed at Bounty for not sharing all the info he got. Seriously? This is a competition! YOU'RE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. 

So Don and Dante go to bed super scared because one of them is going to get murdered. They act like they're actually going to die and it won't be a producer waking them up and telling them to pack their shit. The episode ends with a fire alarm going off at 5am and Dante's stunt double running out, covered in flames and jumping into the pool. Cue audience laugh track and contestant tears and screams. 

So many things are wrong with this show but the worst is definitely the attitude of the contestants. I get that they want to win, but being afraid that they're going to get "fake murdered" or saying that seeing the fake dead body is traumatizing is where I have to draw the line. Who here wouldn't be laughing their ass off if a British butler announced a new murder everyday? And moreover, how stupid do you have to be to not solve these murders immediately? I was worried about motive before but the murder scene was so clear as to what happened that I wanted to scream. We've all watched procedurals, make the crimes harder for these fools because watching them struggle with what happened after they are spoon-fed the information is just sad. The producers really missed the mark with this show. The format is terrible and yet the contestants are what piss me off the most.

If you know me you know I hate reality television, so you know how hard it was for me to get through this. I'm not gonna preach to you about why reality tv is a mind numbing experience because I'm sure you already know that. What I will say is that this show takes a perfectly great movie (Clue) and it makes it into something so foul that I have no choice but the write this review. Complete with a format that makes no sense and contestants that would give The Real World casts a run for their money, ABC has earned a spot on my shit list. Enjoy this fuckery now because once I take over television with my peeps, there will be no time or money for stupid crap like this.

All in all I give it a 2.5/10 because it made me laugh.

I'll probably keep watching this  show, tbh I've seen up until episode 3 but it was too much for one review so I'll keep writing these until I get so pissed off that I slam my computer into a wall. I invited you all to hate-watch this series with me.

Until next time,
-Yanz

SIDE NOTE: some viewers, probably from the middle states (sorry) thought that the murders were real and ABC had to clear up that they're not...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Those viewers obviously belong to CBS.

The Happiest Day of My Life

I was never the little girl that planned out her wedding. I barely ever thought about it. I just kind of assumed that some day I'd meet Mr. Right and that would be that. But lately, I've been giving my future wedding, more and more thought. Not because I've found Mr. Right, because trust me I haven't, but because I'm sitting here at a gorgeous beach and I feel alone. I am glad I came to LA to chase my dreams but every part of me wishes I could have brought some of my people with me. I know this will change soon but right now, LA now feels kind of empty. Ever since I left for college, every city I go to is missing someone. Miami, New York, Chicago, Boston, LA all amazing cities that have little bits of my heart. I have best friends in each of these cities who have never even met the other. The most important people in my life and they wouldn't be able to recognize each other on the street. It's ridiculous to even think about.

When I graduated college, I accepted the fact that I'd always be missing someone but I didn't realize that I had been missing someone for as long as I can remember. It's a part of life, you can't leave home and expect everyone to follow you. So I didn't. I learned to deal with this. I have different ways of remembering or forgetting certain people and they've all worked pretty well up till now. I'm not perpetually depressed, I just kind of go on with my life but there's always a song or a phrase that will remind me of someone. My happy place (don't look at me like I'm crazy, you have one too), is a city where everyone I love, lives. It has other people too, this isn't a cult. Don't drink to Kool-Aid. My non-cultish city is a place where my friends and I will always feel loved even when we hate the other and no one feels alone. I'm not a moron though, I know that such a place won't ever exist but imagine to have even one day when you don't have to miss anyone? A day when everyone you love is gathered to celebrate you and your significant other? Finally, all your friends can meet each other and figure out why you wouldn't shut the hell up about the other. You know when something really awesome happens to you and the first thing you do is text your best friends about it? Well, for one night you won't even have to think about that because everyone will be there.

To wrap it up, getting drunk with all my closest friends is sounds like the best damn party ever plus it means I'm not forever alone and that I'm definitely getting laid. That's the dream, man.

I wasn't one of those girls who planned their wedding but you best your ass I'm planning that mofo now. So future husband, hurry up and show yourself so I can have the happiest day of my life!

-A Playa Named Yanz

The Time Change Heard 'Round the World

K so if you don't know I moved to LA yesterday then... SURPRISE, I'm here. This post however, will have very little do with my new life because it's going to be all about time. Not like "it's about time you..." but actual time. More specifically time changes. But I guess you knew that from the title so I just wasted 30 seconds of your life and mine. Time.

Okay so, it's weird enough having to live three hours behind the east coast but lately, a lot of my friends have found a fondness for travel and so now I'm:
-1 hour behind my dad who is in Costa Rica
-2 hours behind my brother who is in Chicago and Katrina who's in MN
-2 1/2 hours behind Venezuela (Thanks Chavez, you piece of shit)
-3 hours behind all my East-coasters
-8 hours behind Erica in London and Michelle in Spain
-17 hours behind my lil nigga (Isis)

The list goes on...I'm literally living in the past and it's weird. Right now I'm lounging and watching Air Bud trying to figure out plans for tonight while my brother is pregaming while Mariana (east coast) is having a bon fire while Michelle is probably partying and Erica is definitely drunk. And lord only knows what Isis is doing but it's almost noon of tomorrow for her.

For us to all be drunk at the same time, someone would have to be an alcoholic. Strike that, we ALL would have to be alcoholics.

But anyway, the point of this post was for us all to imagine if the world was under one time zone.

This is hypothetical, I'm just playing. Don't get all science-y on me. Thanks.

What if 12pm just looked different to different parts of the world? Imagine if all the world leaders got together and decided that for a week, we would all be under California's (because I'm here) time zone. The rest of the world would have a "no man's land time" holiday while they waited the time to reset at Cali's noon.  The smart thing would be to drink yourself to sleep but who wants to be hungover for the first world time zone day!? Everyone? Okay. At this point, everyone would be jet lagged as hell but they would have to attend worldwide parties and events thrown by the aforementioned leaders. It'd be a sort of hunger games situation but without the having to kill each other. So not hunger games at all. Maybe like X Games or Crossfit Games (hey Matt!), if I knew what those were. But more fun. I just want to experiment everyone going through their day at the same time. The world would probably collapse but it would be a fun experiment. I'm gonna stop now...I'm confused. Time is a terrible thing to waste and I just wasted way too much time writing this post. Oh my god. Bye.

I obviously didn't think this through and if you were able to follow my logic, I salute you. You are a true friend.

Aight, I'm put ya'll through enough today,
-Yanz