Your Guide to 2013's Network Sitcoms

I gave myself the terrible task of watching all the new pilots this season and I started with the sitcoms. Below are short reviews of each. There might be some spoilers, but like, if I spoiled it, it's probably because it sucks and you shouldn't watch anyway. You're welcome. If I missed one, let me know...everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days.

Back in the Game (ABC)

Terrible single father raised a daughter who is trying not to be a terrible single mother to her kid. And after he doesn't make the cut for the baseball teams, she starts her own team of rejects, the Angles. I didn't misspell it, they're actually the Angles. I thought this pilot had a lot of heart and was cute and funny enough to make me want to keep watching. As any good Psych-O, I love love love Maggie Lawson and I totally buy that she's a bad ass softball player. James Caan played the tough alcoholic with a heart of gold perfectly but my favorite part about this pilot was the little boy, Danny. He was the perfect mix of cute, clever, and nerdy. The script wasn't perfect and not all the jokes were funny but it was good enough to make me smile.

Other thoughts: I have a soft spot for reject kids playing sports and baseball stories. Did I mention I love Maggie Lawson?

The Goldbergs (ABC)

The show is reminiscent of the Wonder Years but not in a good way because I didn't really like the Wonder Years then (reruns of course) and I certainly don't want a bootleg repeat. The characters are all super annoying and over the top. The women on this show are either super nagging and irritating, the mom, or passive and kind of slutty, the daughter. The reason I don't have any more bad things to say about this pilot is  because it ended with "Can't Fight This Feeling" which reminded me of Cory Monteith and just made me sad.

Other thoughts: The little boy looks like a cartoon character. I laughed every time Wendi McLendon-Covey was on screen because I imagined her two boys being the ones from Bridesmaids. "I cracked a blanket in HALF."

Super Fun Night (ABC) 

This was such a let down. I didn't care for any of the characters. There's a cute British guy and their relationship is sweet but like this isn't enough for me to like it. The characters are over the top and silly.

Other thoughts: Why do they force Rebel Wilson to do an American accent when she clearly cannot and her Australian accent is so delightful?






Trophy Wife (ABC)
This one is about a "reformed party girl" (as IMDB puts it) who marries into a middle aged man's (maybe a little older) shit show of a family. Complete with 3 kids and 2 ex-wives. Against all odds, this show wasn't bad! Malin Akerman, the "trophy wife" is incredibly charming and fun and she has a good dynamic with the kids and the other wives. The youngest boy, however, is hands down the best part of the show. He's the most adorable child and he's super funny. The only part of this show that I'm not sold on is Bradley Whitford. He's certainly not attractive and his character isn't super charming or funny. It begs the questions, why did she marry him? Why did she even go out with him in the first place? I love Bradley from The West Wing and still I'm not sold on this so they're gonna have to do some serious character changes to make me fall in love with him.

Other thoughts: no spoilers but I was DYING at the end (ish) of the show. If you know me, you know what part I'm talking about.

Brooklyn 99 (FOX)

There was nothing really special about this show but it isn't terrible so I'll keep watching I guess. The only surprising thing about it is how incredibly average it is. Andy Samberg plays the childish but awesome detective. It's all smooth sailing for Andy until the Allstate guy takes over his precinct and vows to make it the best one in NYC. The two butt heads and it's kind of funny? There was only one joke that made me laugh out loud but I'll stick with this one because Park and Rec didn't get good until the end of season 2 and the same people did this show.

Other thoughts: the receptionist reminds me of a drunk Katrina (one of my friends).



Dads (FOX)

It's hard to make various scenes with two stoned old men not funny, somehow Dads managed. I'm not really a fan of Seth McFarlane to begin with but after all the negative buzz this got about being super racist and stupid, I knew I had to see for myself. The first episode? Not super racist, although Seth Green has a Hispanic housekeeper in his tiny apartment for some fucking reason. So I can see her being used for jokes in future episodes. I love Brenda Song and Seth Green but this show is just kind of horrible.

Other thoughts: Can Brenda go back to New Girl now?

Mom (CBS)

It seems like terrible parents who have kids that are terrible parents is a theme this pilot season. Mom's humor is a little better than Big Bang's but it's still falls into the same category of LCD* humor that CBS so proudly keeps making. There was probably one solid joke but overall the humor was kind of lame. I'm biased because I hate CBS but I think Allison Janney deserves so much better than this average show.

Other thoughts: Allison Janney is perfect. In a show with 2 generations of terrible parents, I need one of the kids to be smart or I have no one to root for or care about. Back in the Game did it right with Maggie Lawson's kid but both of Anna Faris's kids here are dumb dumbs. Also, Anna Faris might be old enough to have a 16 daughter but I still don't buy it. *Lowest Common Denominator

The Crazy Ones (CBS)

Despite it being a CBS show, I loved this pilot. Not sure how they got Robin Williams back on TV but bravo. He is delightful and perfect and so is Sarah Michelle Gellar. They have great father/daughter chemistry and I can't wait to see where this show goes. For those who don't know this show is about Simon (Robin Williams) working alongside his daughter (Buffy) at his ad agency. The first episode features -spoiler alert- Kelly Clarkson, being awesome and singing alongside series regular, James Wolk, whose eyes literally twinkle.

Other thoughts: My favorite sitcom from this batch of pilots.

The Millers (CBS)

Just what the world needs, another show about an irresponsible dude who just got a divorce and acts like a child. This show looks terrible. It hasn't aired yet but from what I gather, he moves back in with his parents and we get "Failure To Launch" the TV show. I'll post a real review once it airs. No I won't.

Other thoughts: The recycled the set from Reba. C'mon son.





We Are Men (CBS)

Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible. Four sad bachelors ranging from ages young-ish to Tony Shaloub, wingman each other and it's pathetic and boring.  In what universe is Tony Shaloub a ladies man? I think I need professional help from the emotional damage this show did to me. This one gets no stars. You did it again, CBS.

Other thoughts: ew.

Micheal J Fox Show (NBC)

This show is about MJF struggling with the idea of going back to work because of his parkinsons and interacting with his family. The show was cute because who doesn't love MJF? He's so damn lovable. I liked how they handled his Parkinsons too, it's not a pity party, he just has it and they deal with it. His eldest son sucks, his daughter is pretty cool and Marie from Breaking Bad is his wife so obviously I love her. The show isn't amazing but it's something to watch with the family and it's heartwarming. I may or may not have cried at the end of the first episode (pilot is 2 episodes).

Other thoughts: They shoot in NYC and it gives it an authenticity that sitcoms don't usually have. It's pretty. Oh yeah, there's a third kid, he's cute.

Sean Saves the World (NBC)

Terrible. TERRIBLE. Not funny at all. Sean Hayes is adorable but this is soooooo lame. My friend, Rob Rosenberg (hi!), said that the only way to save this is to "Will and Grace"-it. Have Meghan Hilty move in with him and be the Grace to his Will. The characters are dumb, the boss's mustache is infuriating and it was so boring that I fell asleep before it was over. Trust me, it's had to fall asleep during a 20 minute episode.

Other thoughts: WHY THE STUPID ASS MUSTACHE!?

Welcome to the Family (NBC)

Adorable over achieving Stanford bound boy knocks up his barely graduating high school girlfriend and their two famileis are forced to unite. If you can believe it, the execution is actually worse than the premise. The boy is really adorable but the girl is so dumb that it's infuriating. We're not exactly sure why they're dating or how they even met. The girl is a "feminist" but she's so dumb that it comes across as making fun of feminists because she doesn't even know what the hell she's talking about half the time. The families are meh and the Dad's feud gets old in the first episode.

Other thoughts: the tagline should be "He's precious. She's an idiot."

Walter White is a Piece of Shit

BEWARE: MAJOR SPOILER BELOW. DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T CAUGHT UP ON BREAKING BAD. I MEAN IT. DON’T.

This is a response to: “Walt is still a good guy at heart.”

I don’t believe for a second that he’s still a good guy at heart but even if I did, being a good guy “deep down” means absolutely nothing to me or to anyone else. What matter are our actions. What has he done lately to show us that he deserves the benefit of the doubt? Cry a little bit? Plead for Hank’s life (even though, there’s no way in hell he thought they wouldn’t have killed him so he probably just did it so Hank died thinking he wasn’t such a flaming sack of shit)? Order Jesse’s death to be painless? Poison a little boy a little bit? Steal but not kill his daughter?

Sure, this started as him trying to help his family, but once he threatened his own wife and gave up his daughter, that kind of went out the window. This is about him. He said it before when he told us that money is the only thing that drives him. He sold his stock in that company and felt guilty. Yeah, the cooking was for his family at first but then he realized the money and power that came with it and suddenly that potential for power, that he thought he had lost, was within his reach and this time, no one could take it away from him.

I think that part of the reason people still defend him is because he’s good at acting like he feels bad about all the stuff he’s done, but he doesn’t give a shit. A good person doesn’t do terrible things, feel “bad” about them, and then brag about for “street cred” or use them to intimidate or threaten someone; like he did by telling Skyler, she’d end up like Hank. I can’t feel bad for a person who doesn’t feel bad about all the terrible shit they do. Or about someone who does all this in the first place. So while some people feel bad for him, I feel bad for everyone who’s ever come in contact with him. He’s a cancer to everyone around him (pun not intended but it works) and anyone will be lucky to make it out of this show alive.  The only time we see him showing any kind of remorse is when he’s trying to manipulate Jesse, so it’s obviously an act. Walter is a sociopath that deserves zero sympathy.

Some people can say that giving up his daughter is probably the best thing for her so she won’t grow up in such a fucked up environment but 1. He doesn’t get to make that decision after being the world’s worst parent. 2. He didn’t do it to protect her; he did it to punish Skyler for defying him. *Correction: I didn't know he left a note with the baby beacause I was too busy screaming. Still, Walt's a POS*

Just because we’ve seen him around people who are arguably worse than he is (Gus Fring, Mike, that old guy with the bell) doesn’t mean that he isn’t a piece of shit. None of these guys would use their families as bargaining chips and they all abided by some kind of code. I wouldn’t argue that Walt is any better or worse than them but at this point in the game he is one of them. And he killed literally all of them so, you know, that counts for something too.

Overall, I think the argument that he’s doing this for his family is probably the stupidest thing anyone could say to me. The best thing for his family would have been to I don’t know, take his friends money at the beginning of the show and not start cooking meth. Or he could have just hid some of the money for his family turned himself in. He’s terminally ill anyway! What would he lose by getting caught? His reputation which means more to him than any family can. He made that clear when he ditched them, stole and abandoned his daughter and went with Saul’s “guy,” leaving his family to pick up the pieces of the home he broke.

Those are my thoughts but I wanna hear what you guys think, so comment below. Don’t be assholes to each other or to me please. Be cool. Sorry for the grammar errors.

Stay calm,

Yani

Whodunnit? Pilot Recap/Review

Before I start this post I should warn you that I'm going to spoil the show. Having said that, if you watch the show for realzies then we can't be friends anymore.

Okay, so for all you peasants that don't keep up with the new shows, Whodunnit? is basically a Clue reality show. I know what you're thinking, but Yani that can't possibly be a logical reality show! Trust me it's not. The premise of the show revolves around fake murders and relies heavily on the band of idiots that they picked to be on the show. Basically, the show starts off with 13 "contestants" but really it's 11 contestants, a killer and someone that gets killed 5 minutes in. The goal of these contestants is the stay alive and in order to do that they must solve the murder each week. At the end of each episode, the contestants get all dressed up and go into a room one by one where they tell themselves (the killer) how the murder occurred. If they get it somewhat right, they are "spared" but if they're way off, they get "scared." I don't think you tried at all, ABC.

Upon hearing the premise you might be asking yourself, well what if they catch the killer in the first episode? How can you solve a murder when the clues are so vague and their isn't a motive? If all the killer has to do is blend in with the crowd to win, how easy is this game for him/her? Are they seriously freaking out over a fake murder? Who green-lit this? I asked myself all of these questions. At the end of this review you might not have the answers.

What makes this show extra special is the cast of dumb dumbs that they put together. Out of all the women, only two have a legit professions and one of them is a huge asshole, freakin' Sasha. Sasha also wears braces, never trust an adult with braces. Then there's the Southern stay at home mom/Cardiac Nurse (?) Dana, who is a terrible as you would imagine. There's peppy and dramatic curly haired chick whose name I can't remember (but I hope she's the killer cus she's so emotional) and some other chicks who's only distinguishable personality trait is their lack of intellect, Adriana, Chris and Lindsey. The crime scene reporter, the ex beauty queen and the engineer.

The men are equally as idiotic but adding to that, they're also sketchy as hell. The ex cop, Old White Man, tries to hide his profession though we're not sure why because he is the worst cop in the history of the world. The Bounty Hunter, is so over dramatic and pathetic that we feel bad for him but also hate him for trying so hard. There are some other dudes who are forgettable and then Dante, literally the stupidest person ever, and Aquiles, the hot one. Oh I forgot about Baldy, I'm pretty sure he's the killer but I'm hoping it's Curly because she cries so much.

Now that you've met all the contestants you can see that pitting a beauty queen against an ex-cop is certainly a fair game and all the contestants have the necessary skills to solve fake murders that are being executed with no motive whatsoever. This'll be fun.

All the contestants arrive at the house with no clue (get it?) what they're in for, all they know is that if they win the mystery game, they get 250G's. After the cocktail party, they all go to their rooms and are startled by a loud crash. They run downstairs to see the ex-NFL cheerleader dead and surrounded by a broken fish tank and two wires. They all scream and make a huge deal about it even though it's OBVIOUSLY FAKE. Then the highlight of this episode is when Giles delivers this line exactly how you think he would, "it has begun." -Cue audience laughter-

Giles explains the game and everyone gets all dramatic and worked up. The line, "I'm not here to make friends" is uttered a couple hundred times and Baldy, hottie and another dude form the first alliance and each decide to go to a separate location, one goes to the bedroom (last known whereabouts), one stays with the fish tank, and one goes to the morgue. The clues at the morgue are pretty self explanatory, they find a small bullet in the back of her spine. It's awkward because they do a pretty good job of making the woman look dead so I imagine her giggling on the table while they shot this scene. We'll see those bloopers on the dvd.

This is taking forever. Basically, back at the room, Adriana, the smart cookie that she is, decides that the murder weapon was a piece of a trunk even though it has no traces of blood and the victim was killed downstairs. Solid crime reporter insight. After that, no one trusts her because they think she must be the killer because no one can be that idiotic. But perhaps the dumbest contestant is Dante. After SEEING THE BULLET he concocts a theory that she drowned in the fish tank after being paralyzed by the bullet. Never mind that she broke the fish tank with her head and the water was draining out of it...SMH DANTE GET IT TOGETHER.

After it's pretty obvious what happened, everyone gets together to have finger sandwiches and lounge by the pool. Alliances are forged, bromances born. Giles comes out with a clue and everyone runs. Bounty hunter solves it and instead of destroying the answer LIKE ANY SMART PERSON WOULD, he shares his information with everyone and they all discover the sling shot and crossbar together...You have no idea how much this pissed me off. The clue was a passage from the Bible that took him to a window sill and on that, there was a combination. If that were me, I'd rip that damn page out of the Bible, eat that shit, run to the window, scratch that number up and make it illegible and then open the trunk and throw the weapons into a nearby bush. But not this guy. He tells basically everyone and the two people left out are Adriana and Dante but somehow, our beloved Old White Man was way off and he and Dante got the "scared" cards.

There were tears and drama at the dinner table when Dana got pissed at Bounty for not sharing all the info he got. Seriously? This is a competition! YOU'RE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. 

So Don and Dante go to bed super scared because one of them is going to get murdered. They act like they're actually going to die and it won't be a producer waking them up and telling them to pack their shit. The episode ends with a fire alarm going off at 5am and Dante's stunt double running out, covered in flames and jumping into the pool. Cue audience laugh track and contestant tears and screams. 

So many things are wrong with this show but the worst is definitely the attitude of the contestants. I get that they want to win, but being afraid that they're going to get "fake murdered" or saying that seeing the fake dead body is traumatizing is where I have to draw the line. Who here wouldn't be laughing their ass off if a British butler announced a new murder everyday? And moreover, how stupid do you have to be to not solve these murders immediately? I was worried about motive before but the murder scene was so clear as to what happened that I wanted to scream. We've all watched procedurals, make the crimes harder for these fools because watching them struggle with what happened after they are spoon-fed the information is just sad. The producers really missed the mark with this show. The format is terrible and yet the contestants are what piss me off the most.

If you know me you know I hate reality television, so you know how hard it was for me to get through this. I'm not gonna preach to you about why reality tv is a mind numbing experience because I'm sure you already know that. What I will say is that this show takes a perfectly great movie (Clue) and it makes it into something so foul that I have no choice but the write this review. Complete with a format that makes no sense and contestants that would give The Real World casts a run for their money, ABC has earned a spot on my shit list. Enjoy this fuckery now because once I take over television with my peeps, there will be no time or money for stupid crap like this.

All in all I give it a 2.5/10 because it made me laugh.

I'll probably keep watching this  show, tbh I've seen up until episode 3 but it was too much for one review so I'll keep writing these until I get so pissed off that I slam my computer into a wall. I invited you all to hate-watch this series with me.

Until next time,
-Yanz

SIDE NOTE: some viewers, probably from the middle states (sorry) thought that the murders were real and ABC had to clear up that they're not...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Those viewers obviously belong to CBS.

The Happiest Day of My Life

I was never the little girl that planned out her wedding. I barely ever thought about it. I just kind of assumed that some day I'd meet Mr. Right and that would be that. But lately, I've been giving my future wedding, more and more thought. Not because I've found Mr. Right, because trust me I haven't, but because I'm sitting here at a gorgeous beach and I feel alone. I am glad I came to LA to chase my dreams but every part of me wishes I could have brought some of my people with me. I know this will change soon but right now, LA now feels kind of empty. Ever since I left for college, every city I go to is missing someone. Miami, New York, Chicago, Boston, LA all amazing cities that have little bits of my heart. I have best friends in each of these cities who have never even met the other. The most important people in my life and they wouldn't be able to recognize each other on the street. It's ridiculous to even think about.

When I graduated college, I accepted the fact that I'd always be missing someone but I didn't realize that I had been missing someone for as long as I can remember. It's a part of life, you can't leave home and expect everyone to follow you. So I didn't. I learned to deal with this. I have different ways of remembering or forgetting certain people and they've all worked pretty well up till now. I'm not perpetually depressed, I just kind of go on with my life but there's always a song or a phrase that will remind me of someone. My happy place (don't look at me like I'm crazy, you have one too), is a city where everyone I love, lives. It has other people too, this isn't a cult. Don't drink to Kool-Aid. My non-cultish city is a place where my friends and I will always feel loved even when we hate the other and no one feels alone. I'm not a moron though, I know that such a place won't ever exist but imagine to have even one day when you don't have to miss anyone? A day when everyone you love is gathered to celebrate you and your significant other? Finally, all your friends can meet each other and figure out why you wouldn't shut the hell up about the other. You know when something really awesome happens to you and the first thing you do is text your best friends about it? Well, for one night you won't even have to think about that because everyone will be there.

To wrap it up, getting drunk with all my closest friends is sounds like the best damn party ever plus it means I'm not forever alone and that I'm definitely getting laid. That's the dream, man.

I wasn't one of those girls who planned their wedding but you best your ass I'm planning that mofo now. So future husband, hurry up and show yourself so I can have the happiest day of my life!

-A Playa Named Yanz

The Time Change Heard 'Round the World

K so if you don't know I moved to LA yesterday then... SURPRISE, I'm here. This post however, will have very little do with my new life because it's going to be all about time. Not like "it's about time you..." but actual time. More specifically time changes. But I guess you knew that from the title so I just wasted 30 seconds of your life and mine. Time.

Okay so, it's weird enough having to live three hours behind the east coast but lately, a lot of my friends have found a fondness for travel and so now I'm:
-1 hour behind my dad who is in Costa Rica
-2 hours behind my brother who is in Chicago and Katrina who's in MN
-2 1/2 hours behind Venezuela (Thanks Chavez, you piece of shit)
-3 hours behind all my East-coasters
-8 hours behind Erica in London and Michelle in Spain
-17 hours behind my lil nigga (Isis)

The list goes on...I'm literally living in the past and it's weird. Right now I'm lounging and watching Air Bud trying to figure out plans for tonight while my brother is pregaming while Mariana (east coast) is having a bon fire while Michelle is probably partying and Erica is definitely drunk. And lord only knows what Isis is doing but it's almost noon of tomorrow for her.

For us to all be drunk at the same time, someone would have to be an alcoholic. Strike that, we ALL would have to be alcoholics.

But anyway, the point of this post was for us all to imagine if the world was under one time zone.

This is hypothetical, I'm just playing. Don't get all science-y on me. Thanks.

What if 12pm just looked different to different parts of the world? Imagine if all the world leaders got together and decided that for a week, we would all be under California's (because I'm here) time zone. The rest of the world would have a "no man's land time" holiday while they waited the time to reset at Cali's noon.  The smart thing would be to drink yourself to sleep but who wants to be hungover for the first world time zone day!? Everyone? Okay. At this point, everyone would be jet lagged as hell but they would have to attend worldwide parties and events thrown by the aforementioned leaders. It'd be a sort of hunger games situation but without the having to kill each other. So not hunger games at all. Maybe like X Games or Crossfit Games (hey Matt!), if I knew what those were. But more fun. I just want to experiment everyone going through their day at the same time. The world would probably collapse but it would be a fun experiment. I'm gonna stop now...I'm confused. Time is a terrible thing to waste and I just wasted way too much time writing this post. Oh my god. Bye.

I obviously didn't think this through and if you were able to follow my logic, I salute you. You are a true friend.

Aight, I'm put ya'll through enough today,
-Yanz

I'm from Miami, bitch

I talk shit about Miami all the time because sometimes, Miami is pretty terrible. But despite all my shit talking, you should know that I do love that I grew up here. I've seen a bunch of stupid lists of why "Miami is the Greatest City on Earth" and it inspired me to write this post. Because 1. Miami isn't the great city in the world 2. But it can be. 3. Please tell me that reference wasn't wasted on you all.

Okay, but in all seriousness, there are a lot of things that make Miami a pretty okay city to grow up in. I'm glad I'm gonna start my life in LA but I still got mad love for the 305* and here's why:

1. Food
While other places in the US celebrate "Hispanic Heritage Month" with a visit to Taco Bell and a Mexican hat, here in Miami we know better. Every month is Hispanic Heritage Month and we eat croquetas, tequeños and empanadas on the reg. Hamburgers are great but they just can't compare to un Pabellon Criollo, arepas or a cachapa. Have I lost you? Sorry, I went full Venezuelan. I have a point and it's this, Hispanic food trumps literally all other food and my advice to all you non-hispanics/non-miamians, come visit Miami, not for the beaches but for the food. Hit up a Peruvian place for some Peruvian fried rice, ceviche and the best damn chicken you'll ever eat. Go to a Colombian place and dare yourself to eat an entire Bandeja Paisa. Hit up a Cuban place and go HAM. Go to Doral and you'll have your pick of Venezuelan places. I can keep going but I've convinced myself to go out for lunch so I have to finish this post ASAP. Just come to Miami and eat your little hearts out.

2. Dancing
Parties, get togethers, 3 people hanging out in my living room. If there's people over, we're dancing. The other day I was hanging out with 2 friends and I left one with my phone so she could here a Ke$ha song while I went upstairs to get my computer. When I came downstairs my two friends were crumping with big ol' smiles on their faces. At my grad party, we were gonna play pong but instead we danced all night long. Parties without dancing are lame and everyone in Miami knows that. Now we just gotta get this message to the rest of the US.

3. Pitbull
Speaking of dancing, Pitbull. Miamians, don't pretend you're not a Pitbull fan. Let's face it, you are. Whether you're ashamed of loving him or not when you hear "SUBE LAS MANOS PA' RRIBA," your hands are in the air and you just don't care. I got mad love for Mr. Worldwide and I don't care who knows it. Yes, we do say "Dale" as much as you would think.

4. Spanglish
When you go anywhere in Miami, you're usually asking yourself, should I talk to this bitch in English or Spanish? The answer we all arrive on is "Por que no los dos?" You'll hear things like "Pero, like," "Epa bro" "el fucking pendejo este"and the more hideous made up words like "printear" "parquear,"** etc. The fact that we can go out into the world and not speak any one language, but a combination of the two is a beautiful and frightening thing.

5. Affection
The world could use more hugs and kisses on the cheek. In Miami, whether your meeting someone for the first time or saying hi to your friend, you give them a kiss on the cheek and/or a hug. When I got to Boston, the lack of physical contact was startling and upsetting. A hug never hurt anyone and the only acceptable handshake in my head is the one that comes before a hug. Everyone needs to stop being so damn awkward and start greeting each other with love.

6. Spanish Curse Words
In one of these stupid "Miami is the greatest" lists, someone put Miami traffic as a good thing. No. It's not. What's good is being able to curse someone out in Spanish. Whether they cut you off, are driving too fucking slow or just stole your parking spot, you have a plethora of swear words to choose from. Some of my favorite insults while driving: marico avanza!, no te metas en mi lane pajuo/a! guevon! pendejo de mierda! These are just a few but you can get creative and mix and match. "Motherfucker" just doesn't have the same ring as "coño de tu madre" and it's not nearly as satisfying. These words aren't reserved just for driving though, we use them whenever we're mad and they make everything just a little bit better

7. Heat games
You haven't experienced Miami life until you've seen a Heat game the right way, with music, drinks and a ton of friends. Complete with delicious food, hugs, Pitbull, halftime dance parties, yelling things in spanglish and cursing out the other team, watching a Heat game is truly the epitome of the Miami life. The Heat is one of the most hated teams in the NBA so we have to make up for that by loving them as hard as we can. I laugh at the haters because while they're watching they're beloved Pacers, or Celtics or (insert team name here), they're not having a fraction of the fun we're having when we're watching our guys. When Lebron and Wade are holding that trophy again we won't be shit talking you, we'll be too busy celebrating. And if we don't win, we'll still be celebrating the amazing season the Heat had this year. But we really hope we win so we can all go be chusmas in Hialeah (a ghetto ass part of Miami) and rattle those pans all night long. (Not a euphemism, we literally take to the streets and scream whilst hitting pots and pans with sticks. I can't make this shit up).

8. Honorable Mention
The "Shit Miami People Say" Part 1 and 2 are the best "shit people say" videos.

So there ya have it, just a few things I love about this crazy city. It might not be my favorite place in the world but I'll still jump to it's defense whenever anyone shit talks it. So wherever my life takes me, I'll always be proud that I have a home in Miami.

Peace out, fools!
-Yani

* it was recently brought to my attention that our comrades outside of Miami don't know what "The 305" is. Clearly, they don't listen to Pitbull. 305 is the cooler of the Miami area codes. Mr. 786 doesn't have the same ring to it. But yeah, 305 = Miami

**To be clear, the correct words are "imprimir" and "estacionar" LRN2SPANISH

Graduation 2013

I wrote this post yesterday on the plane and it was, hands down, one of the most depressing things I've ever written. So...I'm gonna start from scratch. Unless you don't know me or never go on social media, you probably know that I just graduated from Boston University last week.

I was super excited to go back to Boston for graduation but once I got there, I realized that the end was here. That sounded super ridiculous but you get the picture. My 3 years of college had flown by and were ending right before my eyes. It was a weird  feeling when I got off the plane because I knew that I wouldn't be back on campus as a student. As much as I dreaded the cold weather and sometimes hated the shit out of my classes, it was always a relief to be back in Boston. Coming from Miami, it was refreshing to be around non-judgmental people who are open minded and intelligent.

It might be hard to imagine, but in Miami I'm not always surrounded by smart people. I know, you're all shocked. Haha jokes.. For the most part, I grew up around racist Hipanics who are so closed minded and idiotic that they made Justin Bieber seem smart. Needless to say, I had to get out of there and I'm really glad I chose Boston. Boston is a city crawling with intelligent and interesting creatures and I could be whoever I wanted to be there. Not gonna lie, I missed my loud, rude ass Miamians from time to time but getting out and exploring New England was the best decision I've ever made. Too many young people get stuck in Miami and it's a shame because living somewhere else will tell you a lot about yourself. If there are any high schoolers reading this, I encourage all of you to go to college in a city that isn't your own. Take the risk and get out of your house. Hate it or love it, you'll come back a more independent person and that never hurt anyone.

Back to Boston. My first year was an adjustment period. When I got to BU it felt like sleep away camp for the first few months. I've never been to sleep away camp but I think I've watched enough movies to confidently make that assessment. So sleep away camp, then the classes were pretty easy, then I made a little group of friends, and did most of the stupid freshman shit that everyone does. Freshman year was okay but I knew I wanted more out of college. Stupidly, I wanted the college you see in the movies. I was a freshman, give me a break.

Sophomore year, I moved to South Campus (for all your non-BUers- South is the best and most lax place to live cus all the cool kids live there- it's also digusting). I finally had a job that didn't suck at the GSU (shout out to all my Mavens! and I restacked books at the library for a while before that) and I tried to make more friends and be a little bit more outgoing. Sophomore year is when I met my soulmate and the gay love of my life, Joey. He was in my first Prod 1 movie and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Sophomore year I also finally started taking production classes and shit that related to my major. I discovered that my true calling was television thanks to an awesome Understanding TV professor (shout out to Prof Jaramillo) and I was finally getting what I wanted out of BU. This year was pretty great. Lots of dancing and visitors made this year awesome. Sophomore year ended on a tough but awesome note, barely finishing a Prod 2 film with my group and putting on a pretty kick ass performace of Spring Awakening. Sadly, my best friend at BU transferred back home and wouldn't be coming back to BU for our junior year. This was bad news for me but my junior/senior year, still ended up being my all time favorite time at BU.

Junior/Senior year was academically, the easiest and socially, the most fun. I somehow pulled off straight A's in the fall semester even though I spent 80% of my time drunk. Wednesday nights became my token drinking nights since I had no class Thursday or Friday. I'd coerce my poor friend, Mariana, into drinking with me all the time and I spent more time drunk in her quad than I did in my own apartment. We have more drunken selfies then anyone I know and this bitch became one of my best friends at BU. Before I move on, I'd like to formally apologize to her roommates for being so loud and annoying. Let me talk about academics for a bit. My Prof, Micheal Loman, convinced me that not only did I want to go into television but I wanted to go into writing for television. Enough about academics. This semester, I was randomly placed with the most kick ass roommate a girl could ask for. Diana, if you're reading this, you are the shit. Fall semester of my junior/senior year, I feel like I really came into my own (I've never used this expression) and had tons of fun. I got closer with people from work as well as Trina (who you've heard about) and my two babies Joey and Mariana. Leaving Boston in December really sucked because I felt like I was finally having the college experience that I always wanted and it was ending too quickly. It wasn't fair but I knew that LA would be awesome.

You all know how much fun I had in LA and how I made a sweet ass group of friends. If you don't read my first post in this blog cus I don't wanna bore the others with this again. LA was awesome and I'm moving there asap. Moving on.

Junior/Senior year was so much fun that naturally, I didn't want to graduate. I wanted to get my diploma but I still have accepted the fact that I won't be a BU student anymore. I'll never get to complain about stupid new BU policies or shitty dining hall food again. While everyone was posting their schedules for next semester on Facebook, I was applying to jobs and mourning the end of my college career. I don't know where I'll be living in 2 weeks and part of me wishes it'd be in my shitty apartment in South. Don't get me wrong, I am excited at the prospects of being a real adult and getting my own place but I'm scared to move on with my life. The next few weeks will be vital to my future and we'll see where the world takes me. As of now, I plan on leaving to LA on or around May 30th. I have no money, job or apartment but dammit I won't let that stop me. I have faith that I'll be able to find something and I know that someday I will fulfill my dream of writing for television.

I can't end this post without talking about some regrets I have about my time at BU. I regret not going out to Allston more and witnessing the ratchetness first hand. A lot of people have a ton of Allston stories, I have a few that none of you will ever hear. Don't ask. I regret not paying attention in my Beaches and Shores class. It was my only C+ in class and it pisses me off every time I see Bitches and Slores on my transcript...Okay sorry, I don't and will never regret this. I had a blast making fun of Big Bird (our Prof whose name I never learned) with Mariana in this class and I'll take my C+, I deserved way worse. My last actual regret is not meeting a lot of you guys sooner. I met so many of my now good friends at the end of my college career and that's what I regret the most. We didn't have enough time together and hearing how we could have met sooner if I just talked to you in class or if I joined this group instead of that is frustrating. Luckily, a lot of you will be moving to LA eventually, so it could be worse. Just hurry up and move in with me sooner. :)

For everyone that helped me out during these past 3 years, I'd like to say thank you and I'll never forget the impact you had on me. Professors, the good ones anyway, you were encouraging and awesome and I don't know what I would've done if I didn't have you all in my life to help me through tough times. Friends, you've shown me that the time you've known someone doesn't determine their place in your heart. I know I made some lifelong friends so while I'm sad I won't see them as often, I know that our friendship will remain strong through the years. Boston, you showed me that no one can break your spirit no matter how hard they try. The terrorists lost when the runners didn't stop running and when the people ran into the fire to help the others. These are the kind of people who inhabit this great city. On my way to the catch the T to the airport, I saw a a man hand Melvin (the homeless man in Kenmore) a bag of Qdoba, smile and walk away. In that moment, I couldn't have been prouder to say I was part of the Boston community for 3 years. Boston, I love you. Thanks for all the great memories, you've set the bar high. Let's hope the rest of my life can live up to my time at Boston University.

Peace out,
Yani

I look 12...I'M NOT

Alright, the next person that asks me how old I am and is shocked when I tell them I'm 20 years old is gonna get bitch slapped. Today, I was talking to some chick and this happened:

-early in the conversation-
me: Yeah, cus I'm going back to Boston for graduation in a few weeks blahblahblah
her: graduating from where?
me: Boston University
her: oh cool blahblahblah
-5 minutes later-
her: how old are you?
me: 20.
her: you're fucking kidding me!? You look so much younger
me in my head: BITCH I JUST TOLD YOU I'M GRADUATING COLLEGE! HOW OLD DID YOU THINK I WAS?! I'M NOT THE KID FROM FUCKING SMART GUY! YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT SHOW IS CUS YOU'RE A BABY! WHO DOES THIS BITCH THINK SHE IS? ALRIGHT I'M GONNA STOP SCREAMING AT YOU IN MY HEAD NOW. God dammit. Conversation over.
me IRL: Nah, I'm 20. Pass the chips.

I've been asked so many times and sometimes it doesn't bother me but sometimes it makes me wanna cut a bitch, usually when it's followed by "well one day that'll be a good thing." Telling me that "one day" looking young will be a good thing but that doesn't make me feel better. I won't care how old I look at age 45, and if I do I'll be one of those pathetic people. Aging is just a part of life ladies and gents, time to get over it. It's always awkward to see real life Mrs. George's (Regina's mom) trying to be "hip" and "with it." When you're middle aged, no one cares if you're uncool. Shit, no one cares if you're uncool now but I get trying to fit in at this age because of peer pressure and all that jazz. But if you're middle aged and you're still giving in to peer pressure, you need to look at your life, look at your choices because no one cares how old you look and if they do, they aren't worth your time. Think of it this way, if I look 30 when I'm 45 everyone is gonna be like "damn that's the most boring 30 year old I've ever seen!" I'll be old and they'll think I'm boring. It's a lose/lose. So stop telling me that looking young in the future is gonna be a good thing, it makes you seem like a shallow asshole.

What the hell am I talking about? How did I get here? Is parking validated? Help!

My point is, next time you ask someone how old they are, use deductive reasoning first. If you just saw me get out of the drivers seat of a car, you know that I'm AT LEAST 16. If you see my BU hoodie, boom I just aged another two years, 18. If the hoodie looks old, add another year to that. When you hear quote Legally Blonde (a movie that is 12 years old), think to yourself hmm this girl had to have been at least 8 if she saw this in theatres and remembers it. When we have entire conversations about Boy Meets World, Rocket Power or All That, it's safe to assume that I was born in the early 90s. And WHEN I TELL YOU I'M GRADUATING COLLEGE, assume that I'm not 12/13 years old.

So next time you're pretty positive that someone is older than they look but aren't sure, don't ask them. Live forever wondering how old they were OR just facebook stalk them when you get home. If they hid the year they were born, (like I did for shits and giggles) look at when they graduate high school and go from there. Don't pretend you haven't fb stalked someone before...

Aight friends, thanks for putting up with my stupid little rant. I just have to accept the fact that when I'm 21, I'm gonna have to take my passport to the bars just to get in. -Sigh- Such is life.

Until we meet again.
-Yanz

PS. If you have a good poker face you could also just ask and then accept whatever answer they give you and move on.

Goodbye, LA

It's almost 2 am and I'm wide awake thanks to the time change so I thought, why not start doing something that other people have been doing for years? I meant blogging, ya nasties. Get your heads out of the gutter.

Alright, I don't really read these thingies when other people do them so I'm just gonna start rambling about this past semester. Hope that's okay. Disclaimer: If you're super into punctuation/grammar, are not okay with me swearing all the time, and/or don't understand pop culture references, then you might want to stop reading now OR kindly remove the stick from your ass, watch some TV and continue reading. :) Glad that's out of the way.

K. So. I just finished my last semester of college in LA in what might have been the quickest and most entertaining semester ever. The semester started out okay. It was kind of like freshman year all over again: moving in to a completely unknown place, meeting awkward ass kids, befriending and subsequently unfriending the weirdos, lowering expectations about shit, etc.

I knew one of my roommates going into this thingy, Katrina, and we lucked out with our other two roommies Erica and Isis. We quickly realized that we all had similar interests such as: eating EVERYTHING (but especially bacon and nutella), watching copious amounts of television, shit talking, drinking, Harry Potter, #hashtagging, stealing shit (soooo much shit), etc. The list can go on for days but y'all don't care. Or maybe you do. I mean, let's be honest my roommies and Po are the only ones reading this shit. That brings me to Paola, our fifth honorary roommate. She basically lived in our apt also and went by her black name, Po because even she couldn't pronounce her name when she was drunk. Then there's Matt, he does crossfit and shit. He also brings old/weird ass vocab into the group like: jonesing, jankity and he's a black woman at heart. But he mostly crossfits. The six of us made up "The Goon Squad." Together we did all kinds of crazy awesome shit that I may or may not forget to talk about later.

Diane is the cone and one of the first things we stole

Goon Squad minus Trina

Katrina 

Now that you know I have friends, I can talk about work. I interned at three companies: Trigger Street Productions, Merrill Entertainment and Branman/Brander Casting. I met many a celebrity at Branman/Brander and they let me go with them to my first ever legit table read for a new TBS show pilot Do It Yourself. The ladies at B/B were hilarious and awesome. At Trigger Street, I did a lot of coverage (ain't nobody got time to explain what this is to you non-film/tv folk. google it) and played with the VP's dog, Kenny. These guys also let me be a production assistant on a film competition and I met some cool people #networking #addmeonlinkedin. My last internship was at Merrill Entertainment working with an independent producer. He gave me a lot of creative freedom and let me redevelop ideas. Basically, I got to shit on all the terrible scripts he made me read and make them better. Pretty solid. All three of my internships helped me figure out that I want to go into writing and the development side of the bizz. In a perfect world, I would be the youngest TV show runner ever but we can't have errthang.

Kenny in a weird ass picture

I guess since I was there for school I have to talk about my classes. There were three of them. They happened. In Monday and Tuesday nights class, my friends and I spent most, if not all, of the time spamming each other's facebooks and laughing at Larold's (our prof) pronunciation of EntouRAGE and CoNAN. Wednesday's I cried because I had no friends in that class. Thursday nights's while my roommates were in the TV class that I should have taken, I was bored. The best part about classes is that they're over now.

I know what you're thinking, Yani did you see any celebs? Yes. Tons but I'm blanking so ask me in person.

for now, feast you eyes on Captain Hook from OUAT

BU slacked on the classes but I gotta give them props for taking us to Disney and paying for most of the ticket. Disney was the happiest day of my LA experience. We won at everything that day and we did it while wearing matching "She want's the D" shirts.

we're literally perfect

We got Disney honorary guests pins, we got complimented time and time again by the people working at Disney and everyone loved us except for one stupid ass ho at Tower of Terror. But it's chill cus no one likes her anyway and another employee made Matt instagram famous. There was a lot of us being idiotic, quacking, dancing, quoting inappropriate Chris Rock jokes (smack her wit a dick, smack her wit a dick) and I could literally talk your ear off about this day but I probably have already so I'll stop now.

Fun fact: "Andy's coming" actually works. Try it and make Woody hate you. It's worth it.

Now I just wanna stop writing this post and go back to Disney. I'd write about more of our adventures but that's too much work so I'm gonna post pictures instead. But I will say this: In and Out is God's gift to fast food and you all should cry if you haven't had it. In fact, I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it.

#drinkandbelarry - last program party

Matt's bday cake

Miss you so much already, boo #inandout

Sean and Brenda (not her name) from the Bachelor were BEHIND US

fuckin' space yo 

SYDNEY (Erica's dog came to visit)

What else can I say? The semester was perfect and never had a made such a tight group of friends in so little time. I worry that my vocabulary has changed so drastically because of all the inside jokes that at any given moment I'll bust out quacking or "urf"ing and it won't be okay. It sucks that most of my friends are juniors, but they'll all move to LA eventually and we'll be "reunited once more" (if you didn't say that in Prof Trelwaney's creepy voice for HP3, I'm disappointed in you). In the meantime, it's like Vagina Hudgens says in High School Musical 2 "We might find a place in this world some day but at least for now I gotta go my own way." No? Ok I'll stop. 

 I fell asleep on the plane and when I woke up I saw the plane trajectory on the little screen in front of my chair and I freaked out a little bit. The program was too short and I hope LA is just as awesome when I go back. It's weird being back home and I can't wait to hit up Boston for graduation but it'll be nice to have some down time to just apply to jobs and stuff. This semester got me really pumped to move back to LA and if all goes according to plan, I should be back there by the end of May. Real talk, thanks for reading this post, I'm trying to adjust to being home again so I had to take a trip down memory lane before being able to close this chapter in my life. I can't believe I'm already done with college but luckily since I studied what I did, I'll eventually find a job I love. I'm anxious about job hunting and I'm trying to tell myself it'll all work out but I'm not totally sold yet. Eventually though, when I'm rich and famous you can say, "hey, I read her first ever blog post!" LOL oh man, this headache is making me delirious. The room is spinning, time to peace out.

Catch ya on the flip side mothafuckasss 

-Yani

P.S. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nh4SiZXDMVo watch this if you don't know what my blog's name means. #thankyouvegas